Tuesday, November 08, 2005

The Male Wedding Survival Guide

Rule 1: Whatever it is, it means more to her than to you.
Keep telling yourself that. Again. Okay, good, one more time. And again.
Rule 2: You will likely face a she-beast you never knew expected
Something as simple as getting a haircut without previous clearance may do it. This will repeat itself once she enters her third trimester.
Rule 3: You’re already behind schedule
Unless you’re like my buddy Curtis, who willingly chose a 3-year engagement. Take care of the venue first. There are 52 weekends a year, and not too many people opt for a Tuesday wedding. Consider.
Rule 4: Family are no longer your friends
At some point, your parents or future in-laws are going to pull something. Demand that your friends be cut from the list in favor of someone you’ve never met in your life. The ceremony, the reception, the members of the wedding party, they’ll come at something. Make your stand now, or forever forsake your autonomy.
Rule 5: Take your guests by the hand
Without fail, a fifth of the people you invite won’t show. This includes your most trusted friends. Be ready. Best strategy is to figure out EVERYTHING for them. Assign travel agents and personal escorts if need be.

The rest:
Rule 6: Take every wedding you went to, excited for your close friends, and left feeling like they owed you for it. USE IT. Don’t add to the misery cycle.
Rule 7: You have a maid of honor and a best man. Put those slackers to work. Put them in charge of out-of-towners and any other dirt you can toss on them.
Rule 8: Do the bachelor party at least a week in advance. Trust me.
Rule 9: You won’t eat at your own reception, and are therefore likely to go through the most emotionally draining 6 hours of your life on your feet and without sustenance. Stock your limo and hotel room ahead of time.
Rule 10: You may or may not be able to afford an open bar, but don’t go with a cash bar. You’ll incur some serious wrath.
Rule 11: Be aware of the sports calendar. Go ahead and think they’ll choose your reception over March Madness or an August Yanks-Sox game. On a similar note, putting your wedding on Thanksgiving, Christmas, or the 4th of July weekend is just plain nasty.
Rule 12: As much as you try to soak in the moment, the day is probably going to be a blur. Assign some of your people to handicam or inside joke journal duty.